With the MySpace phenomenon becoming a world wide, full scale epidemic, it is important to know how to utilize this website to maximize your coolness factor. Gone are the days where you could just answer your profile questions honestly, using the means provided by the site (colors, graphics, etc).

As far as I’m concerned, that’s your grandma’s MySpace profile. I mean seriously, do you honestly think that any 8th grade cheerleader in Kansas is going to think you’re cool if you just “be yourself” online? Do you think the runner-up for homecoming Queen at Laguna Beach High School is going to be impressed that your interests include reading books, your favorite TV shows are Seinfeld and Friends reruns (that’s sooo 2002) and the person you’d like to meet most is your dead grandfather you never got to meet? BORING.

You might as well just broadcast to the world how much of a stupid loser you are; because that’s the kind of billboard you’re painting when you fill out your MySpace profile according to “their rules”. Well I’ve got good news for you – you don’t HAVE to be a loser. I’m here today to run a clinic for guys on how to maximize your coolness potential via MySpace, Facebook, or any other internet site you can find to whore your soul out to the masses. Follow my simple instructions and I guarantee that everyone on cyberspace will think you’re the coolest guy in existence. 
C’mon bitch, let’z get it started!

Rule #1
The first, and most important rule of creating the ultimate profile, is exhibited in the last sentence of my introduction. Proper spelling and grammar is out. It lets people know that you actually paid attention in English class. Once that’s established, all your street cred is out the window and you might as well just give up on this and go listen to some Mozart or play some chess or save the whales or something. Your profile cannot let people know who you are, rather, who you project yourself to be. Grammar and how you talk is the backbone to the image you’re projecting. Misspell words cleverly by replacing letters with as many “Z’s” and “X’s” as you can. Use them appropriately so you can still sound out the word. Once in a while, throw one in where it doesn’t make sense. This will make people who read it confused and they’ll think you’re in on some trend they don’t know about. Also, if graphically allowed, replace every “O” in your text with a bull’s-eye or crosshairs symbol. People will think you’ve got a gun or you’re a gang banger, or you’re a master sharpshooter or something. This will add to your street style persona and up the street cred tremendously.

Rule #2
Use curse words as much as possible, even when not appropriate. Nothing impresses more than a profound mastery of the word “bitch” in every possible sense. You can double your coolness factor by using the misspelling rule in combination with the cursing rule.

Example:
“Why’z that bizznitch all ups in my Kool-Aide like she knowz my flava? Phuk dat ho.”

Rule #3
The quote next to your picture on the profile is extremely important. This is your vanity license plate to the world. Make it count. As said before, use “bitch” a lot (or the curse word of your choice. Phuk is a good one. So are ballz, azz, and kunt). It is imperative that your personal quote be funny, catchy, and edgy all at the same time, while still letting the rest of the world know that you are a wild card and you ARE dangerous. Make a reference to your unique love of booze and partying while still making it clear you play by your own rules. Or you can use your favorite Dane Cook or Peter Griffin (or other Family Guy quote). Don’t say where the quote is from though. You want people to think you came up with it. That’s how fresh you are. Dogg.

No matter what, do not use any quotes from the Simpsons or South Park. In fact, its better that these two entities have nothing to do with your profile at all, as nothing screams “Lame Twenty Something” more. Ditto for Seinfeld, Trainspotting, the Daily Show, or anything from a Kevin Smith movie. 

Rule #4
Now we get to the meat of the profile….starting with the “Interests” section. Know that it’s OK to include interests you are interested in becoming interested in. It doesn’t have to be something you actually like or have actually done on a consistent basis; or have done period. Include things like X-TREME sports (spell it just like that), Rollin Wit ya Crew, and getting your freak on at parties and on the club scene. Always include a promiscuous and generally reckless and unsafe attitude towards getting laid at all costs.

Also if the rest of the world is going to find you acceptable, you MUST INCLUDE at least two of the four following things as your passions in life: Street Racing, Freestyling (you can substitute this for “Laying Down my Rhymes/Beats/Tracks/etc), Texas Hold’em Poker (like on TV), and Modeling. No exceptions. Include other things that paint you to be a risk-taking bad boy with a sensitive side. Remember, above all else, YOU PLAY BY YOUR OWN RULES.

Are you getting cold feet? Feeling like a fraud? Nonsense. Take Street Racing for instance. You ARE interested in Street Racing. Chances are you’ve seen one of the “The Fast and the Furious” movies or played a street racing video game. While engaged in this activity, you were interested in Street Racing, at least for a good hour or so. See? You’re not lying at all.

Rule #5
When asked for your location or where you’re from, always say “From the Streets of Chicago” or the “Streets of Philly” or just simply “Tha Streetz”. Remember, nothing is cooler than the Streets. Nothing.

Rule #6
When asked about your favorite TV shows or Musical Interests, include anything that coincides with your above stated interests. Even if you’ve never seen or heard it before. Do you really think anyone will actually check? If anyone asks you which episode is your favorite episode, speak generally and vaguely about one of the first season episodes with that hot ass bitch you’d like to bone.

If anyone asks you about your musical choices, simply make a reference to how you liked them old school before they got popular/blew up/sold out/ etc.

Also, always include Grey’s Anatomy as one of your favorite shows of all time. Nothing will earn you more points with the ladies and give off the sense that you have a sensitive side. Girls will take it as their personal mission to get you to come out of your tough, thug like shell and show off more of your sensitive side (usually by sleeping with you).

Musically speaking, you can never go wrong with saying your down with an artist that just came out, Hip Hop, Pop, or Techno (remember you only like their older stuff before they sold out). Stay away from classic rock, punk that’s not on MTV, or anyone/anything who was cool more than 6 months ago but hasn’t put out an album since. Any music featured on the OC or Laguna Beach is a safe bet, regardless of if you like it, if you’ve heard it, or if it’s any good or not.
Examples:
Yo I’m down with my boy Biggie Smalls (not his new shit but tha stuff he did before he died)

I’m all about up with my Hollaback Girl Gwen Stefani. HOLLA.

I luvvvvvv Gnarls Barkley – that shizznit is so raw and freshhhh.

WARNING: Every example listed above has been in circulation longer than six months and is therefore UNCOOL. Use at your own risk.

Rule #7
By now, you should have an idea or sense of what direction to take your profile in: an X-TREME Cutting Edge, Hip, Trendy, Bad Boy with a sensitive side. To add to the sensitivity factor while not going over the line into complete pussy-ville, make vague references to a shady or painful past – something about a divorce, jail time, a heist you and your boys committed, or some girl you wronged/wronged you. Don’t get too specific. You want the shroud of mystery intact. If asked, always reply with “It’s too painful to talk about.”
Don’t get into specific details, as you may trap yourself in a lie later on down the road, considering it never happened in the first place.

Use words/phrases like: “Obvi”, “Stoked”, “Railed”, “Wasted”, “Ghetto”, “Blazed”, “Bitchin”, or “Sweating my Nuts” as much as you can in your profile

Also, give random “shout outs” to your peeps, boys, crew, ladies or whatever all over the profile. Include specific inside jokes that will make people on the outside feel left out and uncool. This by default makes you cool. If you don’t have any inside jokes with certain people, recall a time that you were together and were “sooo wasted” or did something hilariously unsafe or illegal.
Or simply make one up.

Rule #8
Friends. MySpace is all about friends – whoring yourself to potential friends, collecting friends, making friends jealous, and stalking friends. But before you can engage in this activity, you must have friends. As many friends as possible. In your early days, become a friend whore and apply to be friends with every person whose profile you come across.

When people see how many friends you have, they will then automatically assume you’re the coolest person of all time and then ask to friend you to make themselves cool by association. NEVER refuse a friend request, even if you don’t know or can’t stand the person who submitted it. People won’t care enough to look in your friends list and realize you can’t possibly know that many people. They will only see the total number of friends and be very impressed with how cool you are.

Important Tips Regarding “Friends”:
Always refer to any guy on MySpace as “My Boy” or “My Homey”.

Refer to any girl as “The Angel On My Shoulder” or “My Special Lady” or “My Boo” or “That Fucking Slutbag Bizztch Ass Ho” or “My Baby’s Momma”.

Only include attractive females that are out of your league on your “Top Friends List” visible on your immediate profile.

Rule #9
Last but not least, there are important rules regarding any pictures you include of yourself on MySpace – especially your profile picture. It needs to paint you in the trendiest light as possible. Pictures of you acting crazy and wild are always a plus, just make sure you look good and your hair is perfect in the image before you post it. Anything where you’re acting X-TREME is good (snowboarding, surfing, skateboarding, whatever). Also include any picture where you’re surrounded by three or more hot females

NOTE: for a female to be considered “Hot”, 9 out of 10 of your guy friends must also consider her to be hot. Otherwise she is just fugly and you, by default, are lame.

If you have no such pictures of yourself, the necessary alternative is to create pictures that fit this mold. Stage some pictures with your friends (or if your friends are unattractive, pay college theater students to pose as your friends) Set up situations where you’re partying, drinking, wasted, puking, street racing, in the middle of sex, puking in the middle of sex, skydiving, drinking forties, clubbing, sitting on a front stoop wearing a Yankees cap, shooting dice, doing coke, playing dice while drinking forties skydiving (while doing coke), talking up a woman who is obviously a hooker, or doing something else extreme or dangerous. Then have a paid photographer take pictures of the action, showing you in the best possible light as the center of attention or the life of the party.

If this seems like too much work, you can always learn how to use Photoshop or better yet, pay that Indian kid that lives on your floor to create Photoshop images of you. Learning how to use Photoshop would probably require some reading on your part anyways, and nothing is as uncool as reading.

At this point, if you have followed my instructions, you have succeeded in creating the ultimate cutting edge MySpace profile.

Welcome to the new you. A better you. Trendy as hell. Classy as fuck. You’re Maverick and Iceman all rolled into one, with some Vin Diesel thrown in for good measure. (Boiler Room Vin Diesel - when he was cool, before he agreed to star in The Pacifier”).

In a short amount of time, the world will see what they were missing out on all these years (of course they had no way of knowing about you because you’re so down with the Underground Scene). Just sit back, relax, collect friends, and reap the rewards of popularity. You’ll be thanking me when the captain of the Junior Varsity Cheerleading Squad at your little sister’s high school randomly instant messages you asking “What’s Up” and later tells you that “You’re Hot”. In no time at all, you’ll convince her to stop by your place after she gets out of 8th period. GAME ON BEEOTCH!!!!

NOTE: The “Guarantee of Coolness” mentioned above is null and void if the owner of the MySpace profile in question appears in public for any reason, expresses his own true opinions on anything to anyone, or participates in any conversation, live or via internet, not initiated by the second party. For the “Guarantee of Coolness” to have maximum lasting effect, it is recommended that the user not leave his mother’s basement for any reason what so ever and spend as much time as possible “chilling online”. Leaving your house will result in you eventually being exposed as a fraud. At that point, your life before MySpace will resume as it once was and you will be even more uncool than you were before.